IELTS Writing Task 2 — Work-Life Balance

Modern youth face great social pressure as they are expected to become successful since₁ they graduate from school. That is the reason why they have spend all their time on studying or earning money.

There are two main causes of this situation. The first one is that our world is developing rapidly so our needs and desires are raising₂ as well. People want to live in comfortable apartments, have their own cars, be able to afford high-quality clothes and so on and so forth. Manufacturers see the increasing demand and rise their prices, so people need to earn more money and students are not an exception. The problem is that they have no working experience so their salaries are usually low and they need to have several jobs to live comfortably. The other reason is popularity of social networks. Young people follow various bloggers who show their luxury cars, houses and other aspects of lives, which makes followers feel stressed. Despite the fact these photographs are usually fake, people are encouraged to work insanely and as a result, they have no spare time.

To my mind, one of the solutions is to strictly moderate social networks and ban people who make others feel uncomfortable. However, it is almost impossible to implement this approach as there is no clear criteria to consider someone as a criminal. Another way to solve this problem is educating people. Governments and professional organizations should take responsibility for helping people₃ to manage with social pressure and teach them competent time management so they would have enough leisure time.

In conclusion, I would like to mention that this issue is serious nowadays but there are proper ways to solve it.

283 words

1. … are expected to become successful as soon as they graduate from school — я бы предложил не использовать since, т.к. смысл смещается в сторону «так как они закончили в школу», хотя ближе идея «как только они закончили школу».
2. Raise — это когда мы повышаем что-то, используется с прямым дополнением, например ‘to raise the stakes’. Тут нужен глагол ‘rise’.
3. К этому моменту мы использовали слово ‘people’ целых семь раз! Заранее думаем о синонимах, хоть их и немного — individuals (общее), students/professionals/the youth (более контекстуальное, применимо к этой теме)

Минимум ошибок, отличное раскрытие темы и несколько обескураживающий заключительный параграф, который немного портит впечатление. Вцелом — сильная работа.