IELTS Writing Task 2 — Cost of Healthcare #5

Nowadays it is popular to be healthy. That is why a great number of people₁ have active lifestyle and eat healthy to stay fit and to avoid having diseases. Despite this fact, there are people who never do sports, often eat greasy₂ food, smoke and drink alcohol so there is an opinion that medical services should be more expensive for them. As for me, I find the idea ridiculous and I totally disagree with it.

At first₃, I need to mention that there is a strong trend that everybody in the world should have the same rights. As it should be obvious that medicine is people’s need, not their desire, we can not argue the fact it should be available for everyone. That is why the concept of increasing its price for certain groups of people₄ is unacceptable.

At second₃, this idea can hardly be implemented. It is a fact that a lot of people need to work hard so they have enough money to pay for their apartments or to raise children. When they return home, they have no possibility or desire₅ to exercise or cook and plan their diets. It would be extremely difficult for them to change this situation so having a sedentary lifestyle and eating fast food is the only way to survive.

In conclusion, I would like to say that we should not make people pay more to be healthy because we can not all the reasons₆ of their decision to have such lifestyle.

249 words

1. Зная наперёд, что слово people мы будем использовать часто, сразу же думаем о синонимах и перефразе. Например: individuals, those who, ones (в контексте повтора слова), citizens и так далее.
2. Fattening food/food high in fats — greasy food — это больше про текстуру еды, а не про высокое содержание жира.
3. First of all/to begin with/to start with/before we stars/begin — at first мы чаще используем как вступление к перемене (at first I was happy with my job, but then it all changed). Далее отмечено ‘at second’ — такого вступительного слова нет. Можно использовать secondly, moreover (хотя его лучше не применять как первое слово в параграфе), on top of that.
4. Здесь ‘of people’ можно и вовсе опустить.
5. … they have neither the possibility nor (the) desire to — стилистическая рекомендация для создания более выразительной конструкции.
6. Куда-то пропал глагол. … we can’t know(?) all the reasons…

Шестёрка за лексику — довольно низкая оценка для работы с таким количеством интересных конструкций (‘I find the idea ridiculous’, ‘it should be obvious that medicine is people’s need, not their desire’, ‘this idea can hardly be implemented’, ‘sedentary lifestyle’). Не забываем о повторении одного и того же слова — это карается экзаменаторами.