IELTS Writing Task 1 — School Exams (Bar Chart) #2

The bar chart below shows the percentage of students who passed their high school competency exams, by subject and gender, during the period 2010-2011.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

There is a diagram that show₁ us how good₂ boys and girls manage to succed₃ in writing their high school competency exams. It is sorted not only by gender but by subject.

As we can see, the percentage of students who successfully go through this challenge among boys and girls is aproximately₄ similar but there is a slight tendency that girls’ results are a bit₅ better and the majority of bars follow this rule. The only subject that does not prove this statement₆ is Geography as the boys’ percentage is 1.5 times bigger that the girls’ one. We can also mention that ICT7 has the biggest difference between its bars. It is almost 15%.

Moreover, we can say that the hardest subject for boys is Chemistry because only 14.1% of them write it successfully. For girls it is Geography with the amount of 20.1%. If we look at the situation in general, the most difficult subject for students is History as it has the lowest percentage of students who passed their exams.

172 words

1. A diagram that shows us — не забываем про согласование подлежащего и сказуемого. Вообще немного путает начало через ‘There is a diagram’, звучит немного отстранённо. Логичнее было бы что-нибудь вроде ‘The diagram shows’.
2. … how well boys and girls — необходимо наречие, а не существительное. К тому же при изначальном варианте создаётся путаница, будто бы мы говорим о хороших мальчиках и девочках.
3. succeed
4. approximately
5. … slightly/marginally better — ‘a bit’ звучит слишком по-разговорному. Помним, что в обеих письменных частях Academic IELTS нам нужно использовать деловой тон.
6. … does not fit/live up to this trend/observation/paradigm — слово statement тут не совсем полно отражает идею какой-то системности в показаниях. Ведь мы описываем диаграмму, а не делаем утверждения.
7. IT?